1 of My Secrets
It's an eye opener for those, who don't know what kind of thought I used to have. But I have some secret to tell you. I am a person, appears to be fearless, but deep inside I am scared over many things. Let me share with you one of my secrets, which I have buried with me for over 20 years. Let the secret reveal.
I know it's going to be really weird. But at the good age of 8 years old, I already fear of death... Not due of sicknesses, but due to an old age. Yeah... 8 year old girl, afraid of being old and buried under the earth.
I understood that some of you may have thought that I am in a ... hmmm.... how should I call it? Metaphysical crisis. But the truth is, at that age, I already can't stand before the "mortality" fact that we are going to die one day.
I was having a high fever one day, when I was 8 years old. When I woke up, I cried before my nanny. I told her and practically screaming to the top of my voice, saying, "I don't want to die of old age. I don't want to die ugly and I don't want to see my body rotting, filled with worms eating away my dead flesh. I don't want to be under those pile of sands!!!!". I think my nanny got the shocked of her life too. And I know, maybe... at that point of time, she being an adult who understood life, she forced herself to tell me the deadly-hard-fact, "Nonik" (means young missy in Javanese), "Everyone is going to die someday, because of old age, even myself". And then, I told her that I am scared being 10.... ?????????????????????? Yes... This is what exactly I told her. I told her, I'll be in my double digits soon and I am well aware that soon, Ill be in my 20s, 30s, 40s.... 80s, 90s and just died away! Like withering flower. Ouch.
There!
I am so glad to share this secret, because I realized that I am not the only who gone through such a stage. Even an author of Eat, Pray, Love; Elizabeth Gilbert, seems to go through such a stage before, being frantic. In her one of the chapters she said, "I was going to turn ten years old in July, and there was something about the transition from nine to ten - from single digit to double digits - that shocked me into a genuine existential panic, usually reserved for people turning fifty. I remember thinking that life was passing me so fast."
I guessed, it was the exact feeling I had then. Life was passing me so fast.
And when I look back - a new revelation as I wrote this blog down - I asked myself, what have I done to my own life? I lived for others to be happy. And loving people without even loving myself. I knew at that age already, I want to become a fashion designer, and where I was ended up with and whenever I got the chance to learn and emerge into fashion, somehow, I ended up forgoing everything to pursue loving someone. Just what have I been doing? And that's when I have come to this conclusion at the age of 29 this year, when almost all women of my age already achieved their dreams, it's my time now to pursue it. Generally, it's kinda late for pursuing something in such "un-Godly" age, when I didn't even tried it before. I don't know how is it like to fail in doing the things i love to do so much.
But at least, I want to climb the mountain and go through the fears and walk ahead. Because, I don't want to wake up one day, when I turned 40, I still achieve nothing. Turn 50, I still didn't do anything, and at the period of where I already set one foot "somewhere", in the brink of death, I m filled with regret.
By the way, it works the same as my love life. I still living, believing so much that someone, a man, will truly love me with all his heart and soul. who take me as I am. I still believe in love. I don't want to die without the Love. =)
Love,
Leoda
I know it's going to be really weird. But at the good age of 8 years old, I already fear of death... Not due of sicknesses, but due to an old age. Yeah... 8 year old girl, afraid of being old and buried under the earth.
I understood that some of you may have thought that I am in a ... hmmm.... how should I call it? Metaphysical crisis. But the truth is, at that age, I already can't stand before the "mortality" fact that we are going to die one day.
I was having a high fever one day, when I was 8 years old. When I woke up, I cried before my nanny. I told her and practically screaming to the top of my voice, saying, "I don't want to die of old age. I don't want to die ugly and I don't want to see my body rotting, filled with worms eating away my dead flesh. I don't want to be under those pile of sands!!!!". I think my nanny got the shocked of her life too. And I know, maybe... at that point of time, she being an adult who understood life, she forced herself to tell me the deadly-hard-fact, "Nonik" (means young missy in Javanese), "Everyone is going to die someday, because of old age, even myself". And then, I told her that I am scared being 10.... ?????????????????????? Yes... This is what exactly I told her. I told her, I'll be in my double digits soon and I am well aware that soon, Ill be in my 20s, 30s, 40s.... 80s, 90s and just died away! Like withering flower. Ouch.
There!
I am so glad to share this secret, because I realized that I am not the only who gone through such a stage. Even an author of Eat, Pray, Love; Elizabeth Gilbert, seems to go through such a stage before, being frantic. In her one of the chapters she said, "I was going to turn ten years old in July, and there was something about the transition from nine to ten - from single digit to double digits - that shocked me into a genuine existential panic, usually reserved for people turning fifty. I remember thinking that life was passing me so fast."
I guessed, it was the exact feeling I had then. Life was passing me so fast.
And when I look back - a new revelation as I wrote this blog down - I asked myself, what have I done to my own life? I lived for others to be happy. And loving people without even loving myself. I knew at that age already, I want to become a fashion designer, and where I was ended up with and whenever I got the chance to learn and emerge into fashion, somehow, I ended up forgoing everything to pursue loving someone. Just what have I been doing? And that's when I have come to this conclusion at the age of 29 this year, when almost all women of my age already achieved their dreams, it's my time now to pursue it. Generally, it's kinda late for pursuing something in such "un-Godly" age, when I didn't even tried it before. I don't know how is it like to fail in doing the things i love to do so much.
But at least, I want to climb the mountain and go through the fears and walk ahead. Because, I don't want to wake up one day, when I turned 40, I still achieve nothing. Turn 50, I still didn't do anything, and at the period of where I already set one foot "somewhere", in the brink of death, I m filled with regret.
By the way, it works the same as my love life. I still living, believing so much that someone, a man, will truly love me with all his heart and soul. who take me as I am. I still believe in love. I don't want to die without the Love. =)
Love,
Leoda
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